You’re worth more than you think

by Steph Trebilcock

I was brought up in quite a sorted family. We had our arguments, but to look at it was great. I had both my Mum and Dad who both worked - Dad had the main job that paid the bills Mum brought in the extra money from her job. I had a big brother and although we argued loads we did actually like each other most the time!!

my Dad started having an affair...my parents argued or didn’t speak

I had the family that my friends and other people all wanted - that perfect happy family.

In 1994 that all changed. First, in May, my Dad started having an affair, so he was rarely home and when he was, my parents argued or didn’t speak. In October, my Brother left home to go to Welbeck Army College. This was something my Dad was very proud of – One month later, on the 17th November, my Dad left.

Everything seemed to fall apart. My Mum spent most her time crying, and I just tried to pretend that nothing was happening.  Everyone saw the bright happy me, but really I felt so worthless - like my Dad had only stayed at home for my brother and, as soon as he was gone, there was no point in him hanging around - so he didn’t.

I still thought that I was worthless, stupid, fat and ugly.

Through all this I believed in God, having been to Sunday school as a child, and also I was still going to church. I knew all about Jesus and how he had been sent to die in my place, for all the wrong stuff I do, and I had accepted that. But I still thought that I was worthless, being stupid, fat and ugly. I really hated who I was and thought that everyone else thought the same of me, so when someone did something to hurt me then I’d blame my self by cutting or burning my self. For example, my Dad would be 2 hours late meeting me, which was “obviously my fault”, or someone would make a joke about me being fat, so I’d take it out on me and starve myself, even though it wasn’t true!!

“every time I starved, cut or burnt myself, I was doing it to Jesus

In 1995 I went to a Christian youth event, where I heard that every time I starved, cut or burnt myself I was doing it to Jesus. There he was hanging on a cross to take the blame for all the rubbish stuff that I do that needs to be punished, and I was adding to it by taking a razor and cutting his arm! I could cope with hurting myself, because I “deserved it”, but I couldn’t cope with hurting someone else.

I learnt that God thought I was amazing when he made me. He didn’t look and say, “Pants what a rubbish job I made of that one”, I believe He said, “ Wow isn’t she amazing, she’s perfect” - and I believe He’d say that about everyone - God doesn’t make mistakes.  Everyone is planned by God. He knew you before you were in your mother’s womb and he knows what your going to do with your life. God has a perfect plan for every person’s life - we just have to choose to accept what he has planned for us to do.

A relationship with God is the only 100% reliable relationship to be in

 And it won’t be easy, I’ve found it so hard to realise that I'm not fat and ugly. And that I’m not stupid - in fact God’s given me some great talents and opportunities.

You just have to keep going through the hard times, and trust that God will bring you through. I can tell you He has Never let me down and Never will.  A relationship with God is the only 100% reliable relationship to be in. Try it.