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 The drugs don’t work
by Kirstie
I grew up in a pretty standard family, when I was a kid it was great, I had no idea how much my parents fought, I also had no
I knew my parents didn't like each other any more |
idea how much my father hated me! I started to notice there was a lot wrong in my home when I was in the last year of junior school. I knew my parents didn't like each other any more, they spent
so much time fighting and yelling that they forgot to notice my sister, or me.
I told my headmaster that my mother beats me |
I became so desperate for attention that I went into school and told my headmaster that my mother beats me. Suddenly all the teachers were really nice to me, until they
wanted to speak to my parents, when I wouldn't let them they worked out that I had been lying.
I grew up hating men, and being very very afraid of them. My dad never did anything to harm me in any way, but another man
did, when I was seven. And that incident changed everything. I couldn't form any sort of a relationship with a guy, I never questioned why. I joined the big school and was terrified,
suddenly I was surrounded by men, teachers, pupils, sixth formers. I used to dread going to school.
Soon I found myself tied up by bulimia, I
...and there began my drug, drink and suicide problems |
thought I was a freak, a total retard and somehow the idea of bulimia appealed to me. I thought I was grossly fat and disgustingly ugly and I figured that if I could make myself thin
then everyone would like me. Of course it didn't work, and I found myself with even bigger problems, I now saw myself as a failure as well as fat and ugly, and there began my drug, drink
and suicide problems.
By the time I was 14 I had tried to kill myself a few
I had tried to kill myself a few times |
times, each time I (clearly) had failed! Which made me see myself in an even worse light. I started dabbling in the occult, tarot cards, numerology, I had a crystal
for everything! I did ouigy boards and things like that. I didn't really have any friends during school. I knew people, and they knew of me, but I didn't
have any one I could share with, what my home life was like, what my feelings were, no one could help me and I was desperately lonely.
A lot of people I knew died in a very short space of time, oh how I longed to join them, but I knew if I tried it again I would just fail again and I was embarrassed enough of myself already.
Eventually my father left us for another woman |
Eventually my father left us for another woman, I have later learnt that my dad sees me as the reason for him leaving my mum, she only wanted children and when she had
the amount she wanted, she pushed dad away, I am the youngest child so the blame of that falls to me. The same summer as my father left I had to go into hospital for tests for cancer, that really
scared me, I was like 15 how could I possibly have skin cancer? They did some tests but found nothing, I had even failed at having cancer successfully. I really was no good.
Come back next week for Part 2,
and find out how Kirstie got out of this mess!
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