Labelled ‘Liar’ or ‘Rape Victim’!

by Becky

Hi my name’s Becky. I come from Truro, where I presently work with teenagers who have special needs and challenging behaviour. In my spare time I am learning how to play the drums, in the hope that I can use this gifting for God in the future.

A while ago now I was asked to share my testimony with you. I wasn't sure at first that I was able to, but since going to CCYC as a volunteer this year I felt that God was really encouraging me to share my past with you. I just pray that you'll get something out of this or it at least makes you think about where you are with God today.

I had no idea of the diverse ways in which people worshipped God

For some of us, when we grow up, it's in a stable family environment, which has been something that God gave me. If He hadn't I wouldn't be where I am today. Ever since I was born my parents have been Christians and when they first got saved they got involved with a Church in Truro - it was quite a strict Church in many ways, but some of the teaching they gave was excellent.

As I was growing up my parents started helping out with the youth group and linked the activities with many other similar churches in Cornwall and because I was only young I didn't know any other churches in Cornwall, who weren't linked with this youth work. So I had no idea of the diverse ways in which people worshipped God.

the guy who I had trusted put his hand over my mouth, so that I wouldnt make any noise, and raped me

I would enter the church with my parents on a Sunday, with a hat or scarf on my head as a sign of respect to God and would have to wear a dress or skirt that didn't reveal too much. I would then sit with my family in an old row of wooden seats and stay silent unless singing a hymn.

In some ways you would probably think me mad to do this, but as I said I didn't know anything else and although I questioned this slightly it never struck me that my life in God's eyes shouldn't be such a routine, which is how I believed at the time it should be.

I was quite happy for a while and trusted everyone in the church because I knew that they were all Christians, which in my eyes made them good people, because God was good and that is what I had been taught.

However one evening after the church meeting, while my parents were talking to others at the entrance of the church I was taken into the back room of the church, where people didn't really go at night by a close friend of the family. I was very trusting at the time and was told that he wished

I felt so ashamed of it that I didn't say anything to anyone

to show me something. However I was wrong and the guy who I had trusted put his hand over my mouth, so that I would’nt make any noise, and raped me.

I was only seven when it happened to me and I felt so ashamed of it that I didn't say anything to anyone about what had taken place. All I could think was that God must have been so angry with me that this was my punishment for something I had done wrong.

Every time I looked at the person who had done this to me I would get flash backs of what had happened and wondered why God hated me so much. I was terrified to be left alone with this person, so I constantly made excuses about why I couldn't go to certain meetings, or I would stay where I could see my parents for that extra reassurance that at least someone loved me.

I would get flash backs of what had happened and wondered why God hated me so much

It made me really insecure about a lot of things in my life and I grew up being labelled as "Shy" and the "Quiet one in the Family". My self-confidence left me and I would walk around wishing that I were someone else in another place and time.

At the age of fifteen I decided that I had to conquer my fears of this person and talk to them. That way maybe God would forgive me for whatever I had done wrong, so I went to pick up the minibus from the church for a youth event with this person. Everything seemed okay for a while until he started to touch my leg instead of the gear stick and look at me in a peculiar way.

he started to touch my leg instead of the gear stick

On the way back from the youth event our youth group stopped for chips and at that point I couldn't take it anymore. I went and explained to another member of the team that I couldn't go back in the bus with this guy and then before I could stop myself, in the midst of tears, everything came out into the open. I felt so ashamed of myself that when I got home I begged her not to say anything to my parents. I knew it would destroy them and their relationship with the church and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt my family in any way.

everything came out into the open

However in the end the person I confided in did tell my parents. I was then interviewed by the church leaders to see if my story was true. It was horrible and I can understand why I was made to do it, but I felt so dirty talking about it.

I felt so dirty talking about it

My mum then encouraged me to tell it all over again to the social workers so that it could be officially reported in case of another incident occurring involving the same person.

I was taken into a small room where three people, my mum and myself were seated. I was told that there was a hidden video camera in the room behind a mirror to record the interview. I was then asked loads of questions about what had happened. Just talking about it to them made me sick. Loads of times I just wanted to leave, but I knew that if this person did the same thing to

Just talking about it to them made me sick

someone else I would feel terrible for not speaking out and preventing it in some way.

Soon after this my parents received hate mail from individuals connected with the church and those connected with the person that raped me. They would always try to hide the fact that this was happening, but I would overhear them talking about the situation and the hate mail. My mum grew so worried and upset that she was prescribed anti-depressents to help her cope.

My parents eventually decided that enough was enough and felt that it would be best to leave the church and make a new start in another one, especially as I was too upset to even enter the building.

I lived with it and the labels I had been given, such as 'liar' or 'rape victim'

I hated myself so much at this point and even had thoughts of suicide. I would go around putting a brave face on things for everyone else and then cry myself to sleep at night. I hated night times as I would always have bad dreams, but again I thought that God was angry with me for telling people what had happened, so I lived with it and the labels I had been given, such as 'liar' or 'rape victim'.

When I was sixteen I went along to the Postal Sunday School Camp, which has now been renamed to CCYC. On one of the last evenings the speaker told a story about a little boy and a lamb. This little boy had to give up his lamb that he cherished so much to be killed at the Passover in order to ask God to forgive everything he and his family had done wrong in the past year. The story was so emotional and I felt that God was saying to me that he loved me and knew what pain I was suffering. I felt such a sense of forgiveness, which I had longed for, for a

I felt that God was saying to me that he loved me and knew what pain I was suffering

very long time.

That night I became a Christian, and although the memories didn't fade of what had happened from my past, both God and my family have managed to get me through so much. My family have encouraged me when I have needed it and have always let me know that they believed me and that no matter how much I blamed myself, I wasn't to blame!

I have had Christian counselling which has helped me to forgive and go on with my life and trust others around me more. God is a big part of me now and it has been through his strength that I am able to look to my future instead of the past and share this with you.

Relationships with the opposite sex are not my strong point, even though I have had one or two since everything that happened to me came out in the open. I do have a real tendency to be very careful that I don't get hurt and I still need that courage to let the other person know that I trust and love them.

"God loves you more than you could ever know and he never has, or will hate you!"

In some ways I feel that this is God's healing process until I meet someone special, and like most people one of my main ambitions is to be loved by someone and love them back, and even settle down and have children in the future.

I pray that if anyone has been through something similar in their life that they would know this: "God loves you more than you could ever know and he never has, or will hate you!" There is no love like God's and I know he has my future in safe keeping, just as he has yours if you'll only let him.